Swimming Through Jell-o

Well, its 2:16AM and tonight is one of those nights. As my mom says, “the demons in the night” got to me - you know, the questions and uncertainties that creep in your mind, causing you to toss and turn, sleepless and going crazy. Tonight’s “demon” – why haven’t I dreamt about this baby? I have friends that talk about their crazy baby dreams when they are pregnant. They take their baby out of their stomach and have a full conversation with them and then put them back; they have the baby and it comes out green and slimey or as the marshmellow man; or my favorite from my friend Lindsey, she had her baby and when they handed it to her, it was a baby with the head of her dog and she loved him. I’ve had dreams where I’ve been pregnant or where we’ve talked about the baby, but why haven’t I ever seen the baby in these dreams? Is this me being prepared for the worst? Or is it just my subconscious protecting me since, in the back of my mind, I’m scared about the worst? Demons in the night…I’m not a fan.

I feel like I’ve been swimming through Jell-o the last few weeks. The days are long and I look to fill them so I can go to sleep and have another day behind me. I go to sleep only to wake up in the middle of the night for hours on end, not sleeping and having the endless questions on repeat. I’m so ready for Wednesday to get here so I can just know the outcome. I need to see this baby, to touch her and know she’s real. I’m ready to know what our future holds, the plans of the doctors and the medical plan for Nugget. But again, I need to be happy she’s stayed put as long as she has and that she’s had time to grow as big and strong as she’s going to need to be. I’m thankful for this pregnancy, that it’s been physically easy for me and how much I love feeling her move, turn, kick and punch. I know I’ll miss those movements and knowing she’s tucked away safely in there.

I think most people that know me, know that I don’t like to be vulnerable. I don’t like showing when I’m upset or emotional and I’m not a very mushy person, so you’ll have to forgive me. I feel like this blog has served as a kind of journal for me. I know it’s read by friends, family and even people I don’t personally know, but I’ve felt compelled to be brutally honest and let that guard down that I’m so good at keeping up. There are very few people that I let see me cry but it seems like every time I sit down to write this blog, I get teary. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones or just that this is my time to be honest with myself as well but, for some reason, I feel it’s necessary to let the emotions and vulnerability flow. I woke up tonight, felt like I couldn’t put these demons to bed and I just needed to get my thoughts out so I appreciate you being my audience. Thank you for letting me get all gooey and emotional, blog after blog.

Before I go to bed, I must wish a very happy birthday to Parker Clemson Arviso who was born on Friday! I’m so happy Lindsey’s dream didn’t come true. He came out with a precious little baby head and not the head of their dog. Lindsey and I have been through this ENTIRE process together – from peeing on the Clear Blue Easy Ovulation Sticks, knowing when we were both ovulating and it was “go time”, getting pregnant within two weeks of each other and now, 10 months later, having these babies. It’s been a fun journey to share with one of my closest friends and I am so happy that Parker is here, happy and healthy. We love you PCA! Lindsey and I have secretly betrothed our children – little do they know they have an arranged marriage in their future….well, if their moms have anything to do with it!

Okay, time to see if we can put these demons to sleep. We have our final doctor’s appointments tomorrow morning so I’ll be sure to update before we head to the hospital on Wednesday morning.