A Marriage Crisis

I have my husband's full discretion as I write this blog post but this story must be recorded for future reference. It made us laugh so hard it brought tears to our eyes.

So you might have heard that pregnancy brings on a number of symptoms, including but not limited to a very sensitive sense of smell, a strangely reactive gag reflex, extreme hormones resulting in very fast mood swings and flatulence.  When these all converge at the same time, it can make for a very unpleasant household.

Over the last two weeks, Jared started experiencing unusual flatulence.  At first, I thought it was sympathy flatulence.  You know, some men gain weight during their wives' pregnancies?  Well, I thought Jared was passing gas as a result of his wife's pregnancy.  But when I say gas, I don't just mean your random man-fart.  Like the ones that happen every morning on cue when said husband makes his way to the bathroom for the morning release of the bladder.  These were knock-your-socks-off, hanging-in-the-air-for-hours, smelling-of-nuclear-waste-and-rotten-eggs gas.  B.A.D.

Now, couple said flatulence with the afore mentioned gag reflex, sensitivity to smell and raging hormones and there were some, um, interesting words exchanged in our household.  I might or might not have threatened to sleep in the guest bedroom, accused someone of intentionally causing me "pain and discomfort", kicked my husband out of the room I was occupying for a two hour separation period and been on the verge of tears a few times.  I admit, a little dramatic on my end, but I was dying!

I'm laying in bed one night after one of my four wake up calls due to my bladder, pondering what could have caused this sudden change in my husband.  Why would his bowels suddenly be hijacked by the San Antonio Sewage Department?  And could this horrible turn of events eventually be the end of our marriage as we now know it???  I was picturing having to buy two houses next door to each other and waving to one another as we came and went.  What a sad, sad future we had ahead of us!  I tried breaking it down, day by day.  What had caused such a horrible change?  What had gone wrong?

And it suddenly hit me.  So remember how I mentioned the sympathy weight gain earlier that some husbands go through?  Jared always does the opposite during my pregnancies.  He goes into workout overload and becomes rippling muscles and bulging bicepts as I become one, large, fat blimp.  A couple of weeks ago, Jared asked me to start buying him egg whites so that he could pack more protein in his diet.  What I didn't realize was that he was drinking the eggs....raw.  Ugh!  Now granted, I was buying pasteurized egg whites, greatly reducing his risk of salmonella.

So yesterday as we were out running errands, we have the following conversation:

Me:  "So I've been thinking..."
Jared:  "Uh oh.  What?"
Me:  "About this gas issue"
Jared:  "I'm sorry bubs!  I know its bad!"
Me:  "Do you think it might have anything to do with the raw egg whites?"
Jared:  "Hmmm, maybe.  I actually wondered the same thing myself.  Look it up."

As Jared drives, I proceed to look up "gas + raw egg whites" on my iPhone.  Low and behold, look at what I found on www.bodybuilding.com!!!

"I know you all want to be like Rocky and drink down the raw eggs but it won't be a good idea (he goes on to mention some down sides of drinking raw eggs).  The last thing you have to watch out for is the foul disgusting stench that will follow you around like you were concealing a New York sewer in your back pocket. The gas that you will get from doing raw eggs will keep you lonely many a nights, that is a guarantee. Your wives will be kicking you out of bed and you will be spending the night with your dog but even he won't be able to stay with you for long. Believe me it will be so bad you won't know what happened. To make things worse because of the sulfur content in the eggs the gas you have will not only be among the foulest things you have ever smelled, but it will linger forever. You will lay one on and twenty minutes later you will go back in the room and it will still be there. Believe me, your wife will leave you, your kids will disown you and even Fido will not want your companionship anymore. Not only that but in high doses the sulfur smell will even come out in your sweat. All around it's not a pretty scene especially for all your loved ones. Hey, you may like your own brand like Fat Bastard said in Austin Powers but believe me no one else will. So to keep the marriage in tact, and your kids still wanting you to show up at their baseball games, cook your eggs don't drink them."

Ta-da!  As you can imagine, not only were we laughing our faces off but we came to the conclusion that there will be no further raw egg white consumption in our household.  Marriage saved!  Thank you Anthony from Body Building.  And may I please share with you a picture of Anthony Ricciuto the World Deadlifting Champion/Marriage Counselor?

simply awesome