A Very Serious Letter

To my sweet baby girl,

I love you with all my heart and I only want what's best for you in life. Your happiness is so important to me and, for that reason, I need to let you know something that's heavy on my heart tonight. If, in twenty to thirty years, there's still a television show called The Bachelor (or anything that resembles a large group of women vying for the love of one man), please, I beg you, do not apply to be a member of the cast.

You must realize that nothing good can come from multiple women competing for one man. This is not normal and, if you think you can find eternal love in this manner, I have failed in my job as your mother.

There are a few things you need to realize:

1. You have competitiveness in your DNA. Your father and I are both EXTREMELY competitive. We had a very serious bet when it came to guessing your sex when I was pregnant with you. We have had evenings that have ended up with us not speaking to each other because we were on opposite teams on game night (the phrase "in yo' face" might have been used). And we've been known to bet on things as stupid as the expiration date on the milk carton. I know you will win the hearts of many men in your life but that feeling of winning can override love on reality tv and you, my dear, would most certainly fall victim. When the competition is taken out of it and you realize you are stuck with a cheesy, bouche dag and your break up is splashed on the cover of People magazine, you will no longer feel like a winner.

2. You must know that every woman has a crazy streak...especially when it comes to love. I might not ever come clean to you on my specific psycho moments but know that even your darling mother has ventured to a dark place once or twice in her life. These are not proud moments in a woman's life and there is no need for there to be a permanent record on tape for the world to see. If it's only in your head, you can always put a positive spin on it and make it justified. When it's on file to be seen over and over and for the world to tweet about, it's just a psycho moment.

3. Every woman has an ugly cry. If you appear on one of these shows, you have a 88.4% chance that America will see it and remember you for this cry.

4. If you choose to appear on a show such as The Bachelor, every hair on your head, freckle on your face and cute little quirk that Daddy and I have always told you we adore will be picked apart, criticized and made fun of by viewers. You do not want to hop on Facebook only to discover that someone finds your bangs hideous and that you laugh like a hyena. (And these are merely examples of things I've seen or thought about current and previous cast members, not based on anything about you....in fact, you don't even have hair right now.)

5. The producers of The Bachelor clearly get those chicks all liquored up before a rose ceremony. Speaking from experience, you always think you are much cuter, funnier and sassier than you appear to the rest of the world. In reality, you will appear sloppy, splotchy and slurry with blood-shot eyes and mangled hair.

I could keep going but we'll cross that bridge if you ever come to us saying you have some exciting news and it involves the words "reality show". You will find love and you will be happy but there is no reason, excuse or sensible explanation for doing it on television for America to see. I would almost rather hear the words, "I met him in a bar" come out of your mouth than, "we met on reality tv".

Please realize that none of this pertains to game shows, most specifically Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune or The Price Is Right - any of those would give me a proud momma moment.

I love you always,

Mommy


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